Whose table are you sitting at?

What does he bring to the table?

It has to be more than good looking and great sex! Rollng my eyes the things we allow when those 2 mentioned are present....

A man who still lives at home with his parents can not be taken seriously, when you're looking to date a man. I learned that the very hard way, which at my age I should know better but.. yeah.. When I met him he told me a little later down the line that he lived at home, but it was more so because he was taking care of his mother and it was a financial issue more than anything. I accepted that explanation, because I can appreciate when a man is being responsible and taking care of home and his parent. Sometime down the line I started to listen to his words and actions. When he'd come over and his mom would call and see where he was and basically interigate him on his where abouts. This was so new to me, I'd never dealt with any kind of situation like this. I also never dated someoe who still lived at home with his parent. Me being a divorce, my mom having passed years ago, I never had to answer to a parent on my whereabouts. It bothered me, it bothered me that as a man in his late 30's he had to answer to his mom and it annyoed me that he would lie about his whereabouts, much less discuss them in detail and the ordeal that ensued during. I asked him one day why is the relationship and it's dynamic is so frayed? Why she needs to have so much information regarding his movements?  He explained the reasons for her actions and that she was just controlling and very manipulative. I made sure and told him it bothered me that he had to lie about where he was much less have to answer and be interogated. They would have these arguments (where he  goes and comes, money, him living in her apartmemt, why he hasnt moved out, etc) and go at it and then suddenly they'd be talking and everthing was cool, strange at best to me.Then it suddenly dawned on me... In the matter of relationships and what people bring to the table... stability, financially independent (gainfully employed, has their own place, good with money management) loving, caring and honest..  You have to be very diligent in processing the information that people give you, realize that people omit as well and wont be 100% honest with you for their own personal reasons. In the end figuring out are they really worth it? Is what they bring to the table even a fraction or equal to what you're bringing? If they aren't, are their goals, determination and drive present to the point its obvious there making changes, actively  making them come to fruition.

I truly turned a blind eye, looking past him living with his mother, thinking the goals and determination he showed career wise would somehow bear the fruits of him moving out and being on his own. I was sadly mistaken, two years in and he hadnt moved out, his searches for apartments and houses turned up baron. At best he had gotten used to the routine of the arguments and then peace within his mother's home. He would only look for a place when the arguments ensued and then leave it alone when things were quiet. By the time the relationship was getting rocky and I had my doubts where this relationship was going, it dawned on me. There was nothing this man could truly bring to table that would ever make it so our relationship moved to the next level. He was way too comfortable in his current situation and I wasnt with that. During and after our break-up I came to the realization, you cant ever look to see what a man who lives at home with his mother can bring to the the table.. That's not his table, it's his momma's.

He said

He said I love you.

He said I got your back, I got you.

He said we're just friends

He said I'd never do anything to hurt you.

He said, she likes me and has a crush you have nothing to worry about.

He said I love you, but I love her and want to be with her.

He said I'm sorry I don't know why I lied.

He said, we can be friends, I'll always be there for you.

He said I made a mistake in being with her.

He said Im not speaking to her, I see the kind of person she is.

He said you can't believe everything you see on the internet.

He said I'm glad you believe everything you see and hear.

He said I'm not with her, we didn't arrive or leave together

He said, I'm not speaking to her

He said she and I aren't together....

He said I can't believe you'd listen to your friends over me.

When you have to stop listening to his words and watch his actions...

I remember

Whenever I get sentimental and feel like I miss you, I remember all your lies how you looked me in the face for months knowing you were cheating on me.

Whenever I miss your voice, I remember hearing you call me a bitch and calling me a liar, saying I was trying to break you and her up. Lying about breaking up with me, saying I just couldnt let go and yet telling me you love me but you love her and want to be with her. You're sorry for lying to and on me and how you treated me after the fact.

Whenever I miss your kiss or touch, I remember the yellow clinic card for my STD test results and the antibiotics from the gift you left from screwing us both raw.

Whenever I start to care about you, I remember you didn't care about me at all... all the lies and manipulation for months... You picked up and moved on as if I never happened.

Then I remember.. I remember it all.. Fuck you! I remember I deserve so much better.

Two months later

Writing these posts have given me the chance to not just feel but also see the emotional roller coaster I've been going through. I will say it has been extremely therapeutic getting these feelings out instead of bottling them up. That used to be how I dealt with my pain or anger, it would eat me up inside and I'd feel so weighed down, tired all the time holding onto unnecessary baggage. This process is helping me get it out, throw it away and not take ownership of this hurt. To understand that I am worthy of real love and I am capable of giving it to someone who is worthy. Right now, I'm working on me and healing these scars and loving me again. The one thing I can say I learned from my breakup, learning to trust my instincts 100% and make moves when things don't feel right. To be mindful of the red flags when they come up and not just see them as just quirks. To finally get that I can't heal or fix someone who is broken, it's not my job to do so. That a person must be happy and or love themselves and be minus drama, also have his own home (no more living with his mom guys, nope). The right man who wants my love must bring equal or more to the table; that's a standard I will never again lower.

Pray him out of my heart

Dear God,

Today I ask that you remove him from my heart and memory. To please see the love I have for him and wash it away like you do my sins. Your son paid the ultimate price a sacrifice, by giving his life in the name of love for mankind. Is it wrong to beseech of you to have the ultimate form of compassion on me and see my tears and wipe away all my fond memories and love of him as if it was an insignificant grain of sand. To have a love unrequited is like holding a drop of water in front a dehydrated man whose about to die of thirst. A small part of my heart is dying because as much as I have left him alone, my love for him won't let go. I'm praying him out of my heart, praying him out of my mind. God please hear my prayer.

The best way I knew

I was there for you the best way I knew how. I wasn't rich monetarily but I believe I more than made up for that in being there for you an ear when you needed it. Holding you when you were hurt, hugging you when you felt defeated like the world was closing in on you. When you cried because you felt like no one cared for you, I laid next to you and held you letting you know you're not alone.  All I asked for in return was consistency, honesty and love, the exact same that I have to you.  You said you could give that to me, understood what it meant. I don't think you understand the notion of give and take, you just take. I'm not perfect my faith maybe lacking but I seek God daily and I prayed for you, blessings and happiness and peace for you, I hoped would repair what was broken in you. To make you see what I did when you were in front of me, a man with a beautiful heart. Yet some how my prayers were answered but you turned on me in the ugliest way.  I cared for you the best way I knew how and you turned on and betrayed me. So now the best I can do, is worry about what best for me.

Lessons of the Mother

Its strange the lessons we learn from our parents while growing up. I mentioned in a previous post about my step-father and his self-limiting interactions with me growing up, how they taught me the sting of disappointment and not to expect much when all you want is love. His actions are the birthplace of my pain, there is truth that the absence of a father's love is damaging to a girl child, sometimes she is destined to search for that love in the faces of the men she interacts with and loves, only to be disappointed and crushed. While there is the negative that is associated with my step-father.. I must acknowledge my mother's role in the acceptance of love.

My mother and father had a tumultuous relationship, domestic abuse table 1. My mom also grew up without her father, he abandoned her and my aunt and uncle when they were small. So I can appreciate and understand her yearning for the love of a father that will never come to pass. Even in choosing my birth father and step-father there are traces of that yearning for her dad's love in them as well. After the smoke cleared and she stood alone with her 2 children, she did her best to show us love being a single mother. When she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, her journey in fighting that disease, in turn showed me what genuine love is.

Even though I was young, watching her and standing by her side showed me to fight, and be there for those you love. That life isn't easy by any measure and there are times you want to quit and that is okay, but it's what you do after wanting to quit that measures you as a person. Growing up I didn't get that, I at times resented it, I wanted to be a teenager and have fun. The nights I held her when she cried, taught me compassion and patience. The days she was angry and frustrated showed me that is not all about me and people's hurt isnt about you. The times we just sat and taught showed me the need to communicate and understand a person. It's crazy that there are lessons in life that we are totally oblivious of. Having my mother be sick most of my life, I just assumed the lesson I got was becoming an adult quicker than I expected and being responsible sooner than I wanted. In essence, she taught me way more than that, even though it took me a while to appreciate this lesson, I appreciate nonetheless and have been applying them in increments and not realizing the source of my values and why I love and care the way  I do. I will do better in distinguishing who to bestow my love on, I know that is a learning process one that I will diligently undertake with the better understanding of the value of myself, worth and love.

I thank you mom for instilling in me courage, love, and the drive to fight even when I feel defeated.