He's not man enough for me

The day I found out Ronald was cheating.. that was probably the hardest pill I had to swallow. Mind you, I had got divorced 6 years prior and that was hard but expected, my ex husband I.  Two people whose parents both were divorced we went through the stages of hurt, hate, revenge, bickering and eventually calming the fuck down because the kids suffer not us. With Ronald it was a blow I didn't expect but saw signs that I ignored. When  I first caught wind of Ronald possibly cheating it was more a nagging feeling a suspicion and I had beat it down that I didn't want to be that kind of girlfriend who walked around suspicious of the her boyfriends friendships with women. I saw pictures of them hanging out but never of just them two together. In which case I left it alone. When I saw more pictures pop up on Facebook, I questioned him, he explained she's just a friend from high school. They ran into each other often it was purely platonic and I had nothing to worry about. 

What should have alerted me was his next statement, don't worry I'm not attracted to her like that, she's not my type; matter of fact she's the one who said she thought I was gay in high school. I gave him serious side eye with that explanation yet I accepted it. You see before me and Ronald became a couple we were friends who became best friends during the course of our relationship. We told each other everything and made our positions on relationships known. He knew I had been divorced and my struggles during that time and he told me about his past relationships and what caused them to fail, so we both had issues but recognized and worked on them actively. At best we seemed to be on the same page, we always said that honesty was the best policy and a relationship without communication is doomed to fail. Hearing Ronald talk about not just the importance of family but God within family was new and refreshing, he opened my mind to things I wasn't knowledgeable about; I appreciated him for it. My love for him grew during the time we were together and we both broke down walls we had prior to and let the other in.

We met each other's children which is a big step for us both and we enjoyed each other's company, we spent birthday's, holiday's, together I supported him and he supported me, if it meant just listening when the other was angry or hurt that's what we did. A simple hug and or kiss or sometimes the kick in the ass to get up and push past whatever negativity was present in our lives at that moment. We loved each other not just physically but mentally, or so I thought. When I got that nagging feeling and saw a few things, after his explanation I let it go but not 100%. Some months had passed and we went through our ups and downs, we had passed our 2 year mark and it was expected. We both worked and had crazy hours and had opposite weekends when we had our children on top of living in different boroughs. Needless to say we had some odds stacked against us, but we seemed to make it work. He was working 2 extra jobs to pay off debt and get his life on tack,  I supported that, what woman wouldn't. The day everything fell apart it was just after his birthday (after all this I found I took him out for his bday and so did she),  I saw pictures on Facebook it was a birthday cake with hearts around it and his picture.. On another females page though, she tagged him to it and a mutual friends page. I was livid and immediately called him regarding the pictures, to which case his explanation was she's a friend and she likes me and I spoke to her about it, I'm sorry that this is going on. I gave him a ultimatium and he said he'd talk to her and get her to take it down. After that explanation I didn't believe him, I hit up my best friend who asked some mutual friends about him and this particular female. When she got back to me, my suspicions werent juss confirmed I now knew the female's name, Malika. What was relayed to me was that she had told quite a few friends they were together, an item, my heart sank. I immediately contacted Ronald to which case he denied it 100% said it was lies and that she just liked him and nothing was going on between them it was all rumors. So with that I contacted her, first on FB and then Instagram. She didnt get the message on FB immediately but on IG she saw, replied back to my question that yes she and Ronald were dating and would call me. The conversation that took place was a serious fact-finding mission, she asked me questions and  I asked her so many. I found out he was with hanging out with her as friends but didnt start to mess around till a little after summer of 2015 which was a blow because that same time in October Ronald came with me to my cousin's wedding and met my whole family. They accepted him and welcomed him. Harder part was him reassuring them I was in good hands with him. I also found out he was sleeping with us both, unprotected, that made me immediately ill and scared. I also found out he had spent the holidays of 2015 with us both, even going as far as to buy us both roses and balloons for Valentine's Day, coming by me and lying and saying his sister needed him for something it was emergency. It was all so crazy, I literally felt like I was watching my self on a version of some ratchet television show and this couldn't be my life at the moment. This man who I let into my home, heart and around my children was a bona-fide liar. Malika then explained to me that Ronald had told her, he and I had broken up months prior. Even though she saw conversations on Google + Chat and via text, she just left it alone somewhat. When she approached him about it, he told her were just cool and that I was going through some stuff and needed someone to talk to. When the discussion of him going down south came up, he said he was going to see family, which she became suspicious of and at some point in time she found out he went with me  to attend a wedding and confronted him on it. His reply was hysterical at best, we had made the plans months prior, he felt obligated to go with me. To which I explained to her Ronald knew about this wedding  months before and I was a bridesmaid so it wasnt casual attendance.The converstion between she and I went on for hours and each word and connection of stories that didnt add up now made sense.
During the pow wow with Malika she invited me to come to her house and confront Ronald. At first I was lock and load ready, 2 1/2 years and all this, hell yeah I wanted to confront him. Good friends who pleaded with me not to go, because she was ratchet and may just have people waiting in lay never crossed my mind. They also told me about the type of person she is, not to be trusted which also left me very confused, that she was known for going after guys who had girlfriends and very messy and not surprised she's involved in something like this. That left me even further confused who was I supposed to believe Ronald or Malika? During the confrontation and a few phone conversations where we were all on 3 way and Ronald had no knowledge of it.. Ronald proceeded to kill whatever love and or respect I had for him left. Reiterating his lie of us breaking up months ago, that I was lying and just wanted to break them up. Then the worst words.. I love you Malika I don't love her and I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. Those words hit and I immediately started cursing! To which case he denied me and said why am I lying? At that point I wised I was there to bash his head in with whatever heavy object I could find. I would've killed him and I knew it I wanted it! This piece of shit couldn't even tell the truth, be a man and say yes I fucked up and I'm sorry.. How could I expect that? He had multiple chances to come clean and not just the day I found out about his cheating.. but times before. What I couldn't for the life of me understand how he could throw the words love around so frivolously. For my 36th birthday, he got me a charm for my bracket, 2 birds on a branch with the words I love you. All that ran though my mind looking at that charm bracelet was did he ever really love me? Was it all lies. After the confrontation was over I spoke with Malika and she couldn't understand why he was so angry with me. All I could concluded was i had made it so his true nature came to light. During that time my petty level went from 0 to 100 real quick. I posted a picture of us at my cousins wedding blasting him for lying. Knowing we had over 40 mutual friends they'd see who he really was. Which was out of character for me since I don't do front street drama and avoid it at all costs. At that point hearing talk shit about me, the person who loved him and he said he loved too. The man who said I was his best friend and he mine denied me and at a point hated me. He sent me text messages with personal pictures, blackmailing me if I didn't take the FB post down. It's as I'd he was chipping away at my heart more. I said I took it down but I didn't , left it at that. The late, late night, turned to early morning and I couldn't sleep. I left like I was in some telenovela minus spanish subtitles. I checked on Malika out of genuine concern, she checked on me. There was no way she could be this person people warmed me about. Maybe Ronald really hurt her too... she made the statement that she would get over him quicker than me because it was just a couple of months with her, where with me it was years, including our children and my family.. All his lies and double lives... Right?!
Ronald finally comes and drops my keys off to me along with me giving him back his crap.Our discussion then pissed me the fuck off.He basically said he loves Malika and loves me but wanted to be with Malika.. because he saw growth with her he didn't see with me. I lost it. This man whose 37 and still lives at home with his mom was trying to tell me about growth! I went off on him no holds barred, the audacity of him! As if to imply I was some remedial person who was making him stagnant in life. I held down 2 jobs and owned my coop I live in with my kids. Who the fuck was he? Considering the lovely tidbits Malika laid on me about her pretty much financing their courtship, all he proved was he was a manipulator and user. I say that because I gave him towards the car he drives around in (the car he apparently drove her in too ) to help him but he didn't see growth with me... I learned my lesson right there but.. not enough.. I didn't take Ronald back.. I couldn't ever in life. Having to sit in a clinic and wait for a plethora of STD results and Aids /HIV results I never can, he put my life at risk . Where I fucked up was, thinking my best friends was till held up somewhere in the ratchet bullshit and messiness. The good man who I loved was till there, he was just lost trying to find himself. Once again time reveals all and this time months didn't have to pass. We started to speak, he's hit me up and did I him. We talked and he apologized for everything said and or done, that he didn't know what happened to him that night. I thought maybe we're on track, maybe one day we could be friends again. During a discussion he tells me Malika lied about quite a bit of what we discussed and that she knew he had a girlfriend, she just didn't know who I was. Which went with her comments about seeing me on his FB page, us commenting back and forth. How she found it odd that I had a first liked the pic on FB for his bday but then deleted it (after I saw it was on another female's page), also made sense why she went right back to him after everything they never "broke -up". Which case I laid into him, but you knew you had a girlfriend and yet you fucked her. You didn't make a mistake, you made the choice to lie for months.
Low and behold Ronald had to be himself who else could he be. I asked Ronald if he was still talking to Malika? He said no, stated they spoke once or twice she wanted closure and he was cool with that, story done. Nope, I soon find out through an argument, where once again, I'm finding out from people he and her are talking and quite chummy. He tells me that yes they talk, he's being cordial, he's been speaking to her since he came back from DR. How is it I could believe my friends over him? The nerve, he didn't want tell me because it wild hurt me and open old wounds. You got to be weary of people who believe bullshit especially their own. I couldn't be 100% mad at him though, I believed deep down he was going to be different and not be the dude he talked about hating. The dude who made good women bitter. Yet, there he was in all his glory. The two of them have gone to quite a few functions even a masquerade ball in Brooklyn some weeks back, again not that long after his admitting aka lying of not dealing with Malika like that and he was keeping his friends close and enemies closer..
All I could think was with all the lies there were some truths between the 2 of them. He liked hanging out with her (he admitted) because she knew people and places to go hang out and it gave him something to do (he admitted). Even after telling me on numerous occasions after the face they they aren't together, he's still lying. She knew he had a girlfriend from jump, (the whole song and dance on the phone was just that). No woman who can cry self-love and female empowerment and yet be pictured with a man who lied and manipulated 2 woman for so long.. Right? I was wrong.
Well... what I learned from my interactions with both of them is misery loves company.  A woman with no broken heart and no love of self will accept anything just be perceived as happy. That you can never be friends with an ex who does wrong on so many levels and still say they love and care for you. The respect and love from our relationship died the minute Ronald lied to me about who he was with.. the good man Ronald was, who friends told me about is dead. He ceased to exist, the man now, who sends personal pictures when I blast him for not repaying money owed but can be out chilling with Malika, blatantly lies, is who he really and truly is.. than person isn't man enough for me.