Whose table are you sitting at?

What does he bring to the table?

It has to be more than good looking and great sex! Rollng my eyes the things we allow when those 2 mentioned are present....

A man who still lives at home with his parents can not be taken seriously, when you're looking to date a man. I learned that the very hard way, which at my age I should know better but.. yeah.. When I met him he told me a little later down the line that he lived at home, but it was more so because he was taking care of his mother and it was a financial issue more than anything. I accepted that explanation, because I can appreciate when a man is being responsible and taking care of home and his parent. Sometime down the line I started to listen to his words and actions. When he'd come over and his mom would call and see where he was and basically interigate him on his where abouts. This was so new to me, I'd never dealt with any kind of situation like this. I also never dated someoe who still lived at home with his parent. Me being a divorce, my mom having passed years ago, I never had to answer to a parent on my whereabouts. It bothered me, it bothered me that as a man in his late 30's he had to answer to his mom and it annyoed me that he would lie about his whereabouts, much less discuss them in detail and the ordeal that ensued during. I asked him one day why is the relationship and it's dynamic is so frayed? Why she needs to have so much information regarding his movements?  He explained the reasons for her actions and that she was just controlling and very manipulative. I made sure and told him it bothered me that he had to lie about where he was much less have to answer and be interogated. They would have these arguments (where he  goes and comes, money, him living in her apartmemt, why he hasnt moved out, etc) and go at it and then suddenly they'd be talking and everthing was cool, strange at best to me.Then it suddenly dawned on me... In the matter of relationships and what people bring to the table... stability, financially independent (gainfully employed, has their own place, good with money management) loving, caring and honest..  You have to be very diligent in processing the information that people give you, realize that people omit as well and wont be 100% honest with you for their own personal reasons. In the end figuring out are they really worth it? Is what they bring to the table even a fraction or equal to what you're bringing? If they aren't, are their goals, determination and drive present to the point its obvious there making changes, actively  making them come to fruition.

I truly turned a blind eye, looking past him living with his mother, thinking the goals and determination he showed career wise would somehow bear the fruits of him moving out and being on his own. I was sadly mistaken, two years in and he hadnt moved out, his searches for apartments and houses turned up baron. At best he had gotten used to the routine of the arguments and then peace within his mother's home. He would only look for a place when the arguments ensued and then leave it alone when things were quiet. By the time the relationship was getting rocky and I had my doubts where this relationship was going, it dawned on me. There was nothing this man could truly bring to table that would ever make it so our relationship moved to the next level. He was way too comfortable in his current situation and I wasnt with that. During and after our break-up I came to the realization, you cant ever look to see what a man who lives at home with his mother can bring to the the table.. That's not his table, it's his momma's.

He said

He said I love you.

He said I got your back, I got you.

He said we're just friends

He said I'd never do anything to hurt you.

He said, she likes me and has a crush you have nothing to worry about.

He said I love you, but I love her and want to be with her.

He said I'm sorry I don't know why I lied.

He said, we can be friends, I'll always be there for you.

He said I made a mistake in being with her.

He said Im not speaking to her, I see the kind of person she is.

He said you can't believe everything you see on the internet.

He said I'm glad you believe everything you see and hear.

He said I'm not with her, we didn't arrive or leave together

He said, I'm not speaking to her

He said she and I aren't together....

He said I can't believe you'd listen to your friends over me.

When you have to stop listening to his words and watch his actions...

I remember

Whenever I get sentimental and feel like I miss you, I remember all your lies how you looked me in the face for months knowing you were cheating on me.

Whenever I miss your voice, I remember hearing you call me a bitch and calling me a liar, saying I was trying to break you and her up. Lying about breaking up with me, saying I just couldnt let go and yet telling me you love me but you love her and want to be with her. You're sorry for lying to and on me and how you treated me after the fact.

Whenever I miss your kiss or touch, I remember the yellow clinic card for my STD test results and the antibiotics from the gift you left from screwing us both raw.

Whenever I start to care about you, I remember you didn't care about me at all... all the lies and manipulation for months... You picked up and moved on as if I never happened.

Then I remember.. I remember it all.. Fuck you! I remember I deserve so much better.

Two months later

Writing these posts have given me the chance to not just feel but also see the emotional roller coaster I've been going through. I will say it has been extremely therapeutic getting these feelings out instead of bottling them up. That used to be how I dealt with my pain or anger, it would eat me up inside and I'd feel so weighed down, tired all the time holding onto unnecessary baggage. This process is helping me get it out, throw it away and not take ownership of this hurt. To understand that I am worthy of real love and I am capable of giving it to someone who is worthy. Right now, I'm working on me and healing these scars and loving me again. The one thing I can say I learned from my breakup, learning to trust my instincts 100% and make moves when things don't feel right. To be mindful of the red flags when they come up and not just see them as just quirks. To finally get that I can't heal or fix someone who is broken, it's not my job to do so. That a person must be happy and or love themselves and be minus drama, also have his own home (no more living with his mom guys, nope). The right man who wants my love must bring equal or more to the table; that's a standard I will never again lower.

Pray him out of my heart

Dear God,

Today I ask that you remove him from my heart and memory. To please see the love I have for him and wash it away like you do my sins. Your son paid the ultimate price a sacrifice, by giving his life in the name of love for mankind. Is it wrong to beseech of you to have the ultimate form of compassion on me and see my tears and wipe away all my fond memories and love of him as if it was an insignificant grain of sand. To have a love unrequited is like holding a drop of water in front a dehydrated man whose about to die of thirst. A small part of my heart is dying because as much as I have left him alone, my love for him won't let go. I'm praying him out of my heart, praying him out of my mind. God please hear my prayer.

The best way I knew

I was there for you the best way I knew how. I wasn't rich monetarily but I believe I more than made up for that in being there for you an ear when you needed it. Holding you when you were hurt, hugging you when you felt defeated like the world was closing in on you. When you cried because you felt like no one cared for you, I laid next to you and held you letting you know you're not alone.  All I asked for in return was consistency, honesty and love, the exact same that I have to you.  You said you could give that to me, understood what it meant. I don't think you understand the notion of give and take, you just take. I'm not perfect my faith maybe lacking but I seek God daily and I prayed for you, blessings and happiness and peace for you, I hoped would repair what was broken in you. To make you see what I did when you were in front of me, a man with a beautiful heart. Yet some how my prayers were answered but you turned on me in the ugliest way.  I cared for you the best way I knew how and you turned on and betrayed me. So now the best I can do, is worry about what best for me.

Lessons of the Mother

Its strange the lessons we learn from our parents while growing up. I mentioned in a previous post about my step-father and his self-limiting interactions with me growing up, how they taught me the sting of disappointment and not to expect much when all you want is love. His actions are the birthplace of my pain, there is truth that the absence of a father's love is damaging to a girl child, sometimes she is destined to search for that love in the faces of the men she interacts with and loves, only to be disappointed and crushed. While there is the negative that is associated with my step-father.. I must acknowledge my mother's role in the acceptance of love.

My mother and father had a tumultuous relationship, domestic abuse table 1. My mom also grew up without her father, he abandoned her and my aunt and uncle when they were small. So I can appreciate and understand her yearning for the love of a father that will never come to pass. Even in choosing my birth father and step-father there are traces of that yearning for her dad's love in them as well. After the smoke cleared and she stood alone with her 2 children, she did her best to show us love being a single mother. When she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, her journey in fighting that disease, in turn showed me what genuine love is.

Even though I was young, watching her and standing by her side showed me to fight, and be there for those you love. That life isn't easy by any measure and there are times you want to quit and that is okay, but it's what you do after wanting to quit that measures you as a person. Growing up I didn't get that, I at times resented it, I wanted to be a teenager and have fun. The nights I held her when she cried, taught me compassion and patience. The days she was angry and frustrated showed me that is not all about me and people's hurt isnt about you. The times we just sat and taught showed me the need to communicate and understand a person. It's crazy that there are lessons in life that we are totally oblivious of. Having my mother be sick most of my life, I just assumed the lesson I got was becoming an adult quicker than I expected and being responsible sooner than I wanted. In essence, she taught me way more than that, even though it took me a while to appreciate this lesson, I appreciate nonetheless and have been applying them in increments and not realizing the source of my values and why I love and care the way  I do. I will do better in distinguishing who to bestow my love on, I know that is a learning process one that I will diligently undertake with the better understanding of the value of myself, worth and love.

I thank you mom for instilling in me courage, love, and the drive to fight even when I feel defeated.

Break ups: Do it right

After my usual crazy conversation with a friend, we started to discuss why guys don't have the guts to break up with a woman face to face. How some go through elaborate efforts to shirk the responsibility of ending a relationship the way a person deserves with dignity. Between using social media, text messages and sometimes the other woman to do their dirty work they don't have the balls to do.
Case in point I firmly believe that because my ex boyfriend didn't have the courage to break up with me, his side chick decided to take matters into her own hands. By posting the pic of him with the hearts and cake, she was doing what he wouldn't and couldn't do, she was breaking up with me for him on her terms.

It's a shame that people when they feel the relationship is over, they don't have the same enthusiasm to end it with the way they started it. I say that to mean, yeah break ups are hard, nasty, hurtful and sometimes devastating, they don't always have to be though.. If you can be honest and up front and just not lie, the other person though hurt will respect you in the long run. As a person, it can at least be said of you that yeah the break up hurt but he or she cared enough to do it right. In that, healing is easier, you come off a decent human being instead of a douche (male or female).

Dx: He checked out

After a break up you usually reflect on the good and bad times of the relationship. See where you missed red flags and what mistakes not to make again. Being that I messed up in trying to get a lost friend back I didn't go through the process right. Having time to reflect I noticed how much of an asshole Ronald truly is awhile, was. I got diagnosed with a pinch nerve a year and have ago. It started with spasms in my back and neck, I couldn't move and it hurt to breathe. I was put on muscle relaxers and anti inflammatory but that was all temporary. The pain progressively got worse and I would have a burning sensation going up and down my arm. After a while in went to pins and needles, then the loss of feeling in a couple of fingers. This went on for a while after visiting primary  physician, chiropractor, neurologist, having a nerve damage test, getting x-ray of the shoulder and the finally a pain management doctor I got my diagnosis. With the diagnosis came the medication. The medication helped the nerve damage in my neck along with the damage in my fingers, along with bringing down the inflammation in my shoulder. I was I'm a lot of pain for a long time. I don't know how long this pinch nerve was an issue prior to. It definitely hit me hard. I couldn't raise my arm above my head, my shoulder would pop out from the muscle being so swollen. I was limited in what I could do,  not used to be impaired in any fashion. With the medication making me groggy and feeling lethargic it was hard to get up and go to work but I did it. After going over all this and looking back, I realize I did all this alone. The thing of it is, I wasnt alone, I had a boyfriend while I was going through all this. Ronald was very much aware of everything I was going through. He never once said let me get meds for you. Do you need me to do anything for you? Or just run errands for me, to help. Where was he? Well its accurate to say with Malik. Going off her words and time line, Ronald was hanging out with her for quite some time specifically while I was hurt and home. The times when I needed him the most he was out with her having fun, because who wants to deal with a sick girlfriend when there are parties to go to and events to attend. When he was with me, he seemed like a lost child. I get that everyone can't deal with someone who's sick in any capacity, whether it's a cold, broken leg or something more serious. At that time I was dealing with a man who didn't care, who checked out to go do him.

Two months later

Writing these posts have given me the chance to not just feel but also see the emotional roller coaster I've been going through. I will say it has been extremely therapeutic getting these feelings out instead of bottling them up. That used to be how I dealt with my pain or anger, it would eat me up inside and I'd feel so weighed down tired all the time holding onto unecessary baggae. This process is helping me get it out, throw it away and not take ownership of this hurt. To understand that I am worthy of real love and I am capable of giving it to someone who is worthy. Right now, I'm working on me and healing these scars and loving me again. The one thing I can say I learned from my breakup, learning to trust my instincts 100% and make moves when things don't feel right. To be mindful of the red flags when they come up and not just see them as just quirks. To finally get that I can't heal or fix someone who is broken, it's not my job to do so. That a person must be happy and or love themselves and be minus drama, also have his own home (no more living with his mom guys, nope). The right man who wants my love must bring equal or more to the table; that's a standard I will never again lower.

My silent prayer

Dear God,
Today I ask that you remove him from my heart and memory. To please see the love I have for him and wash it away like you do my sins. Your son paid the ultimate price a sacrifice, by giving his life in the name of love for mankind.  Is it wrong to beseech of you to have the ultimate form of compassion and see my tears and wipe away all my fond memories and love of him as if it was insignificant grain of sand. To have a love unrequited is like holding a drop of water in front a dehydrated man whose about to die of thirst, to. A small part of my heart is dying because as much as I have left him alone, my love for him won't let go. I'm praying him out of my heart, praying him out of my mind. God please hear my prayer.

Expectations vs Reality

I've got to stop putting myself in these situations where my heart and strength are tested to the point of near exhaustion. It's taking its toll on me, I've lost my faith in men and their ability to love. I think more so that men can truly love anyone. I am not in love with the aspect of being in love, that concept annoys me. I just happen to be a person who loves hard, my heart is on my sleeve, it puts me in an extremely vulnerable and emotionally dangerous situation where im left beating myself up. I say I love hard, I put my all in never 50%. I can say in my adult life only 1 man has been able to step up to my level, we just unfortunately were too young at that time to understand married life... With this break up it has me thinking maybe there is a glitch in my thinking, maybe I'm wrong about my expectations..I've been told you shouldn't have expectations, because you'll just end up hurt.

So does that mean, you shouldnt expect for a man to be honest, caring, understanding, and put forth effort equal to at best to what you put into a relationship? Do you just accept half ass loved because to have the expectation of more is setting yourself up for failure?  Do people view having expectations within a relationship as asking for perfection? I'm lost. If I go to a restaurant that's been raved about and won all kinds of accolades for its cuisine. If the food and service are horrible am I wrong for having expectations of the same when I sit to dine? So you date someone and they present a person who decent, kind, caring and wants love and is willing to work as a team seeing past imperfections, are you wrong in having the expectation that, that is who they are at their core?

Even though we all change and grow day-to-day while in love do we lay in wait for the shoe to drop and bullshit to creep in and destroy everything?... Do I stop having the expectation that if I love someone they will love me back maybe not the way I love them but still in itself show me genuine love back.

He's not man enough for me

The day I found out Ronald was cheating.. that was probably the hardest pill I had to swallow. Mind you, I had got divorced 6 years prior and that was hard but expected, my ex husband I.  Two people whose parents both were divorced we went through the stages of hurt, hate, revenge, bickering and eventually calming the fuck down because the kids suffer not us. With Ronald it was a blow I didn't expect but saw signs that I ignored. When  I first caught wind of Ronald possibly cheating it was more a nagging feeling a suspicion and I had beat it down that I didn't want to be that kind of girlfriend who walked around suspicious of the her boyfriends friendships with women. I saw pictures of them hanging out but never of just them two together. In which case I left it alone. When I saw more pictures pop up on Facebook, I questioned him, he explained she's just a friend from high school. They ran into each other often it was purely platonic and I had nothing to worry about. 

What should have alerted me was his next statement, don't worry I'm not attracted to her like that, she's not my type; matter of fact she's the one who said she thought I was gay in high school. I gave him serious side eye with that explanation yet I accepted it. You see before me and Ronald became a couple we were friends who became best friends during the course of our relationship. We told each other everything and made our positions on relationships known. He knew I had been divorced and my struggles during that time and he told me about his past relationships and what caused them to fail, so we both had issues but recognized and worked on them actively. At best we seemed to be on the same page, we always said that honesty was the best policy and a relationship without communication is doomed to fail. Hearing Ronald talk about not just the importance of family but God within family was new and refreshing, he opened my mind to things I wasn't knowledgeable about; I appreciated him for it. My love for him grew during the time we were together and we both broke down walls we had prior to and let the other in.

We met each other's children which is a big step for us both and we enjoyed each other's company, we spent birthday's, holiday's, together I supported him and he supported me, if it meant just listening when the other was angry or hurt that's what we did. A simple hug and or kiss or sometimes the kick in the ass to get up and push past whatever negativity was present in our lives at that moment. We loved each other not just physically but mentally, or so I thought. When I got that nagging feeling and saw a few things, after his explanation I let it go but not 100%. Some months had passed and we went through our ups and downs, we had passed our 2 year mark and it was expected. We both worked and had crazy hours and had opposite weekends when we had our children on top of living in different boroughs. Needless to say we had some odds stacked against us, but we seemed to make it work. He was working 2 extra jobs to pay off debt and get his life on tack,  I supported that, what woman wouldn't. The day everything fell apart it was just after his birthday (after all this I found I took him out for his bday and so did she),  I saw pictures on Facebook it was a birthday cake with hearts around it and his picture.. On another females page though, she tagged him to it and a mutual friends page. I was livid and immediately called him regarding the pictures, to which case his explanation was she's a friend and she likes me and I spoke to her about it, I'm sorry that this is going on. I gave him a ultimatium and he said he'd talk to her and get her to take it down. After that explanation I didn't believe him, I hit up my best friend who asked some mutual friends about him and this particular female. When she got back to me, my suspicions werent juss confirmed I now knew the female's name, Malika. What was relayed to me was that she had told quite a few friends they were together, an item, my heart sank. I immediately contacted Ronald to which case he denied it 100% said it was lies and that she just liked him and nothing was going on between them it was all rumors. So with that I contacted her, first on FB and then Instagram. She didnt get the message on FB immediately but on IG she saw, replied back to my question that yes she and Ronald were dating and would call me. The conversation that took place was a serious fact-finding mission, she asked me questions and  I asked her so many. I found out he was with hanging out with her as friends but didnt start to mess around till a little after summer of 2015 which was a blow because that same time in October Ronald came with me to my cousin's wedding and met my whole family. They accepted him and welcomed him. Harder part was him reassuring them I was in good hands with him. I also found out he was sleeping with us both, unprotected, that made me immediately ill and scared. I also found out he had spent the holidays of 2015 with us both, even going as far as to buy us both roses and balloons for Valentine's Day, coming by me and lying and saying his sister needed him for something it was emergency. It was all so crazy, I literally felt like I was watching my self on a version of some ratchet television show and this couldn't be my life at the moment. This man who I let into my home, heart and around my children was a bona-fide liar. Malika then explained to me that Ronald had told her, he and I had broken up months prior. Even though she saw conversations on Google + Chat and via text, she just left it alone somewhat. When she approached him about it, he told her were just cool and that I was going through some stuff and needed someone to talk to. When the discussion of him going down south came up, he said he was going to see family, which she became suspicious of and at some point in time she found out he went with me  to attend a wedding and confronted him on it. His reply was hysterical at best, we had made the plans months prior, he felt obligated to go with me. To which I explained to her Ronald knew about this wedding  months before and I was a bridesmaid so it wasnt casual attendance.The converstion between she and I went on for hours and each word and connection of stories that didnt add up now made sense.
During the pow wow with Malika she invited me to come to her house and confront Ronald. At first I was lock and load ready, 2 1/2 years and all this, hell yeah I wanted to confront him. Good friends who pleaded with me not to go, because she was ratchet and may just have people waiting in lay never crossed my mind. They also told me about the type of person she is, not to be trusted which also left me very confused, that she was known for going after guys who had girlfriends and very messy and not surprised she's involved in something like this. That left me even further confused who was I supposed to believe Ronald or Malika? During the confrontation and a few phone conversations where we were all on 3 way and Ronald had no knowledge of it.. Ronald proceeded to kill whatever love and or respect I had for him left. Reiterating his lie of us breaking up months ago, that I was lying and just wanted to break them up. Then the worst words.. I love you Malika I don't love her and I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. Those words hit and I immediately started cursing! To which case he denied me and said why am I lying? At that point I wised I was there to bash his head in with whatever heavy object I could find. I would've killed him and I knew it I wanted it! This piece of shit couldn't even tell the truth, be a man and say yes I fucked up and I'm sorry.. How could I expect that? He had multiple chances to come clean and not just the day I found out about his cheating.. but times before. What I couldn't for the life of me understand how he could throw the words love around so frivolously. For my 36th birthday, he got me a charm for my bracket, 2 birds on a branch with the words I love you. All that ran though my mind looking at that charm bracelet was did he ever really love me? Was it all lies. After the confrontation was over I spoke with Malika and she couldn't understand why he was so angry with me. All I could concluded was i had made it so his true nature came to light. During that time my petty level went from 0 to 100 real quick. I posted a picture of us at my cousins wedding blasting him for lying. Knowing we had over 40 mutual friends they'd see who he really was. Which was out of character for me since I don't do front street drama and avoid it at all costs. At that point hearing talk shit about me, the person who loved him and he said he loved too. The man who said I was his best friend and he mine denied me and at a point hated me. He sent me text messages with personal pictures, blackmailing me if I didn't take the FB post down. It's as I'd he was chipping away at my heart more. I said I took it down but I didn't , left it at that. The late, late night, turned to early morning and I couldn't sleep. I left like I was in some telenovela minus spanish subtitles. I checked on Malika out of genuine concern, she checked on me. There was no way she could be this person people warmed me about. Maybe Ronald really hurt her too... she made the statement that she would get over him quicker than me because it was just a couple of months with her, where with me it was years, including our children and my family.. All his lies and double lives... Right?!
Ronald finally comes and drops my keys off to me along with me giving him back his crap.Our discussion then pissed me the fuck off.He basically said he loves Malika and loves me but wanted to be with Malika.. because he saw growth with her he didn't see with me. I lost it. This man whose 37 and still lives at home with his mom was trying to tell me about growth! I went off on him no holds barred, the audacity of him! As if to imply I was some remedial person who was making him stagnant in life. I held down 2 jobs and owned my coop I live in with my kids. Who the fuck was he? Considering the lovely tidbits Malika laid on me about her pretty much financing their courtship, all he proved was he was a manipulator and user. I say that because I gave him towards the car he drives around in (the car he apparently drove her in too ) to help him but he didn't see growth with me... I learned my lesson right there but.. not enough.. I didn't take Ronald back.. I couldn't ever in life. Having to sit in a clinic and wait for a plethora of STD results and Aids /HIV results I never can, he put my life at risk . Where I fucked up was, thinking my best friends was till held up somewhere in the ratchet bullshit and messiness. The good man who I loved was till there, he was just lost trying to find himself. Once again time reveals all and this time months didn't have to pass. We started to speak, he's hit me up and did I him. We talked and he apologized for everything said and or done, that he didn't know what happened to him that night. I thought maybe we're on track, maybe one day we could be friends again. During a discussion he tells me Malika lied about quite a bit of what we discussed and that she knew he had a girlfriend, she just didn't know who I was. Which went with her comments about seeing me on his FB page, us commenting back and forth. How she found it odd that I had a first liked the pic on FB for his bday but then deleted it (after I saw it was on another female's page), also made sense why she went right back to him after everything they never "broke -up". Which case I laid into him, but you knew you had a girlfriend and yet you fucked her. You didn't make a mistake, you made the choice to lie for months.
Low and behold Ronald had to be himself who else could he be. I asked Ronald if he was still talking to Malika? He said no, stated they spoke once or twice she wanted closure and he was cool with that, story done. Nope, I soon find out through an argument, where once again, I'm finding out from people he and her are talking and quite chummy. He tells me that yes they talk, he's being cordial, he's been speaking to her since he came back from DR. How is it I could believe my friends over him? The nerve, he didn't want tell me because it wild hurt me and open old wounds. You got to be weary of people who believe bullshit especially their own. I couldn't be 100% mad at him though, I believed deep down he was going to be different and not be the dude he talked about hating. The dude who made good women bitter. Yet, there he was in all his glory. The two of them have gone to quite a few functions even a masquerade ball in Brooklyn some weeks back, again not that long after his admitting aka lying of not dealing with Malika like that and he was keeping his friends close and enemies closer..
All I could think was with all the lies there were some truths between the 2 of them. He liked hanging out with her (he admitted) because she knew people and places to go hang out and it gave him something to do (he admitted). Even after telling me on numerous occasions after the face they they aren't together, he's still lying. She knew he had a girlfriend from jump, (the whole song and dance on the phone was just that). No woman who can cry self-love and female empowerment and yet be pictured with a man who lied and manipulated 2 woman for so long.. Right? I was wrong.
Well... what I learned from my interactions with both of them is misery loves company.  A woman with no broken heart and no love of self will accept anything just be perceived as happy. That you can never be friends with an ex who does wrong on so many levels and still say they love and care for you. The respect and love from our relationship died the minute Ronald lied to me about who he was with.. the good man Ronald was, who friends told me about is dead. He ceased to exist, the man now, who sends personal pictures when I blast him for not repaying money owed but can be out chilling with Malika, blatantly lies, is who he really and truly is.. than person isn't man enough for me.